Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Jacob Black and Snow White, Sitting in a Tree...

It's no secret that Agent 00Comma is an English Demon. It is a lesser known fact that Agent 00Comma is a relative of the Grammar Nazi. It is an even lesser known fact that she--that is to say, I--have a sense of humor. And that's why I thought I'd share this with you today: A scene from Twilight with Snow White replacing Bella as narrator!

Agent 00Comma, what are you thinking?! 

Well, I'm not really thinking. I'm shaving my pencil-stache for a day, putting up my feet, and avoiding taking my English 252 test. Really. I need to take that. Like, right now.

I actually wrote this in class for an activity. We were given character cards and asked to do this Twilight scene from their perspective. Unsurprisingly, I enjoyed everyone else's perspective over Bella's--even Gollum's. 

So, without further ado, prepare yourselves for...

Jacob Black and Snow White, Sitting in a Tree!     


Jacob strolled to a nearby driftwood tree that had its roots sticking out like the attenuated legs of a huge, pale spider. I paused, my heart fluttering. Why, it was so beautiful, I had simply had to take a moment to enjoy it. Spiders can be quite nice, really, if you sing to them in a nice low, tone. Their ears are tender, you know, so you have to be gentle about it. Poor little things--they were always getting the brunt of people's anger. Didn't deserve it really, the dears. I shook my head and smiled as I found Jacob perched lightly on one of the twisted roots. I moved my long, yellow skirt aside to take a seat beneath him on the body of a tree. 

He stared down at the rocks, a smile hovering around the edges of his broad lips. I batted my eyelashes and giggled. Why, we looked just like a wolf and a little girl. No, we were practically the Wolf and little Red Riding Hood, if I thought about it.

Oh, please don't misunderstand. I didn't fear Jacob at all, really. The comparison isn't quite so frightening or fearsome as Red Riding Hood would make it out to be. The whole confrontation was her fault, really--not that I think she did it on purpose. She just didn't think to stop and talk it out; he probably wouldn’t have been so cranky if she'd shared a few of her sweets. I'm sure her grandmother wouldn't have minded, old dear that she is.

You know, I bet Red and the Wolf could have been as good friends as Jacob and me, if she’d been a touch nicer. I glance back up at the dear, and he grins at something below. Oh, he's about to try an impress me, I believe. I do enjoy a good moment of excitement now and then.


It was probably the most entertaining thing to write--EVER.

If you were going to ship/pair Jacob with any other ridiculous fairy tale character, who would it be? Strangely enough, I can see him and Snow White getting along pretty darn well. Until Bella gives birth, of course--then things would get pretty messy.

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